


homin | testing the strong ones

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 02:38:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11682300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: “I don’t think you realize that there’s a boy who works just as hard as you do and breaks just as badly.”





	homin | testing the strong ones

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this: http://plincess-cho.tumblr.com/post/163017531269/xjijix-because-you-deserve-the-world-insp

It’s another one of those nights where Yunho feels himself sinking down into the black abyss of negativity. They’d had another meeting with the company about the future, and it hadn’t gone well. Their parents had been there, talking with the executives of the company, and Yunho had felt the crushing weight of everything. Anger at the other for abandoning him and ruining everything he had worked so hard for. Guilt over not realizing that they had been so unhappy and guilt over being so angry at them for pursuing their true dreams. Anxiety about the future and what it holds, if he even has a future with the company. And finally a crushing depression about losing the one thing he had worked so hard to finally achieve.

His parents drive him back to the dorms and try once again to convince him to come back to Gwangju with them, at least for a few days. Yunho tries his best to rebuff them politely, saying he should stay in Seoul in case something comes up. In reality, he wants to be able to get absolutely shitfaced with his friends without his parents finding out, and he can’t do that with his childhood friends back home.

So instead, they tearfully say goodbye and Yunho waves dutifully as their car drives away. But the minute they disappear from view, his expression darkens and he slogs up the stairs to the dorm in a black cloud. He pushes open the door and finds that Changmin had not gone home with his parents like he had expected but instead is sitting in the living room, laptop perched on his knees. Yunho can’t help but feel annoyed. His plan had been to drink until his friends came to take him out to drink some more, but he doesn’t want to get hammered with Changmin watching his every mood.

“Hey,” Changmin says, looking up from his computer.

Yunho just grunts in response and plans to walk right past when Changmin continues, “So that meeting…”

“Was a fucking disaster,” Yunho finishes bluntly.

Changmin shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says timidly. “It sounds like they still want to keep us, at least.”

“That’s what they say now, anyways. But who knows what’ll happen in three months when they decide they don’t need us anymore.”

“But they said—”

“Who gives a shit about what they said? Who really gives a shit, Changmin,” Yunho replies. “It doesn’t matter anyways. It’s all over and they’re just dragging out the process. Soon, they’ll kick us to the curb and we’ll stop deluding ourselves into thinking we could really be idols and go back to our normal lives.” Yunho exhales and stalks towards the kitchen.

“Hyung,” Changmin calls after him. “It’s not a delusion. We can do this; you always told us that we could achieve anything as long as we worked hard enough.”

“What ‘us’, Changmin? If you’ll look around, there isn’t an ‘us’ anymore. Clearly, I was wrong. You can work your hardest for your entire life and life will still manage to fuck you over,” Yunho replies bitterly.

There’s a pause and Yunho hunts through the cabinets for something to eat. Most of the cabinets are bare, and Yunho supposes one of them should go to the store now that their chief cook has abandoned them. He slams the cabinets shut and sees Changmin jump in surprise out of the corner of his eye. “Look,” Yunho continues, feeling the anger in him stir up again. “You’re still young. Maybe you can still be the sports reporter you always wanted to be, and I’ll go back to living under a bridge. This whole mess is my fault anyways so it’s only fair.”

“That’s not true, hyung,” Changmin protests. “It’s not your fault.”

“I’m the _leader,_ Changmin,” Yunho replies. He feels something boiling in his stomach and doesn’t try to suppress it. He’s been quiet for far too long, and maybe it’s time to let some of that steam out. “This is what I’ve wanted for my entire life and when I finally had it, I didn’t have the diligence to hold onto what I had.”

“Hyung, you can’t be expected to—”

“I should’ve _known_ they were that unhappy, okay?” Yunho interrupts, his voice growing louder. “I should’ve tried to find a solution instead of focusing so much on what I wanted. I was on the top of the world and I didn’t even bother to care about the members. Some shit leader I turned out to be.”

“But hyung, you weren’t a shitty lea—”

“Look, you wouldn’t understand,” Yunho interrupts again, bitterness seeping into his voice. He doesn’t want to talk about this with Changmin, and he resents hearing Changmin spew back the senseless optimism he himself had once touted.

“Why not?” Changmin asks. He’s set his laptop aside and is now standing in the middle of the living room, staring at Yunho.

“You’re not the leader, that’s why,” Yunho retorts. He pulls open the cabinets again, mostly to have an excuse not to face Changmin. “Nobody blames you for everything falling apart. All of this is on me. _I’m_ the one who should have fixed things with the others, but I couldn’t and now they’re gone and everything is destroyed.”

“Hyung, it’s not like that.”

Yunho snorts. “Look Changmin, you don’t get it, do you? You’re the youngest. Nobody expects anything from you. You don’t know what it’s like to give everything and then suddenly lose your dream, okay? Hell, everyone knows you got into the company because of your looks. And then you debuted right away. Easy as pie. Nobody would be surprised if you just got up and left with the rest of them,” Yunho turns away and stomps towards the fridge to hunt around for a beer.

“Is that really what you think?”

Yunho grabs a can out of the fridge and turns to see Changmin now standing in the kitchen looking stricken. “What?”

“That I’m going to leave.”

Yunho pops the tab and lets the beer settle before taking a swig. He meets Changmin’s eyes and simply shrugs.

“Do you think this isn’t important to me too?” Changmin asks. Yunho can see tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “That I don’t want this just as much as you?”

Yunho snorts into his beer. “Please. You’re still here because the other three picked on you so much that you didn’t want to go with them. It’s not like you really want to stay.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

It’s a simple question, and Yunho doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t even know if he wants to stay, and even if he does, he shouldn’t force Changmin to stay because then one day he’ll just snap and leave like the others did and…

And he hesitates for too long. Yunho looks up from his beer just in time to see Changmin’s entire face drop. He turns quickly and disappears down the hallway towards the bedrooms. Yunho hears a door slam and tries to shrug it off. He’s ruined everything else, after all. What’s one more thing?

***

“Everything is ruined, and it’s all my fault,” Yunho exclaims to Boa, ending his long rant about the injustices of the whole situation. They’re at some smokey barbecue hole in the wall. The meat is long gone, and all that remains on their table is an assortment of beer. “I worked so hard for so long and this is what I get: a bunch of shitty members who don’t give a fuck about anyone else and I get to take the blame for all of it.”

Boa nods sympathetically, nursing her beer. She’s let him rant for a good portion of the night and it feels exhilarating to finally let out all the anger he’s had pent up for so long. He starts on another beer and feels the alcohol coursing through his system.

“But,” he says, his mood turning a 180 from anger to guilt. “But they weren’t shitty, they were just unhappy. And maybe this wasn’t their dream so I shouldn’t be mad but I’m just so _angry_ about it all. We all get our own destiny, right? Maybe this just wasn’t theirs and I shouldn’t have forced them into it,” Yunho waves his beer around for emphasis.

“Except that I’m not the one who ruined their destinies by fucking leaving,” Yunho continues. “I wanted to be the leader of something great, but it turns out I can’t even lead one member. ‘Cuz now Changmin is fucking _pissed_ at me for who knows what reason. Not that it really matters because he’ll run back to his parents in Seoul sooner or later, and then I’ll really be all alone in the world.”

Boa downs the rest of her beer and puts the bottle down as she turns to look at Yunho. “Yunho, I’m going to tell you this because you’re my friend and I care about you,” she informs him, and then continues without waiting for his permission. “Get your head out of your ass and stop being a dick.”

Yunho chokes on his own beer and stares at her wide-eyed. “Excuse me?” he retorts.

“You heard me,” Boa replies coolly. “Maybe if you’d stop thinking about yourself for one moment you’d be able to find a solution to all of this.” Yunho opens his mouth to object, but Boa cuts him off. “Look, this all sucks. I know. And I’m sorry. There’s really nothing that I or anyone else can do about it. If you’re looking for some magic remedy to fix everything, I’ve got news for you: there isn’t one.” She reaches for another beer and pops the top off. She takes a swig and then continues. “This is your dream, your dream that you gave up everything for, and now it feels like you’re losing it. I’m not going to give you some pep talk about how things are going to get better and it’ll all work out in the end. It might. It might not. But you’ve got to stop wallowing in this cesspool of self-hatred by blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. Was it your fault? It doesn’t matter. What matters is what you choose to do now and in the future.”

Yunho says nothing, but he deflates somewhat, losing the courage both the alcohol and his bitterness had provided him. Boa notices, and her voice softens.

“Listen, Yunho, you mean a lot to me, and it hurts like hell to see you hurting. It’s easier to stay angry and bitter at those who hurt you instead of picking up the pieces and moving on, but this isn’t just about you.”

“Then who is it about?” Yunho snaps back. He knows he’s directing his anger towards Boa instead of letting her words sink in, and he knows he’ll regret this later. Yet in the moment, he needs to be angry at someone and if he can’t be mad at the three, Boa will have to do.

“Changmin.”

She says his name softly, and Yunho’s resolve falters. He tries to maintain his harsh stare but he knows that she’s right.

“But he’s not the leader. He doesn’t face the same pressures that I do. Hell, he didn’t even want this until it fell in his lap! He—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Boa replies, cutting him off. “You keep saying that you’re alone, that nobody could possibly understand how badly this hurts, and that the whole world is against you. But what about Changmin?”

“What about Changmin?” Yunho retorts, being intentionally argumentative.

He can tell Boa is starting to lose her patience with him. “I think you’ve forgotten that there used to be _five_ members, and _three_ of them left. What’s five minus three? It’s _two_. You and Changmin. Not just you. Changmin hasn’t left.”

Yunho scoffs. “Hasn’t left _yet._ ”

Boa blows out air and looks at him in exasperation. “Stop punishing him for what the others did. You want to be mad at the other three? Fine. I can’t stop you. But don’t you dare torture Changmin for something that he didn’t do when he has remained steadfastly by your side through all of this.” She pauses and her voice softens. “I don’t think you realize that there’s a boy who works just as hard as you do and breaks just as badly.”

“But he isn’t the leader,” Yunho replies stubbornly.

Boa slams the bottle of beer down on the table and stares him dead in the eyes. “Look Yunho, you want to be the leader?” she asks. “Then fucking act like one. Stop being an absolute dick and realize that being a leader means that you have to look out for your members, even if you only have one of them left. Otherwise, you’re going to wake up one day and realize that Changmin is gone too and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.” And with that, she gathers her things and gets up from the table, leaving Yunho all alone.

***

Yunho sits at the restaurant alone for awhile, digesting what Boa had said. One of the ahjummas comes back and asks if he needs another beer, and he shakes his head. He pulls out a wad of crumbled bills and leaves them on the table before walking out into the cool night air to catch a taxi back to the dorm.

Yunho walks up the stairs and pushes open the door to the dorm, expecting to find it empty. He slips out of his shoes and pads down the hallway with his bare feet. There’s a lamp on in the living room and he’s about to walk past in favor of immediately falling into his bed, but he notices a figure seated on the couch.

_Changmin._

“We need to talk,” Changmin says, his voice low.

Yunho stops his trek towards the bedroom and takes a deep breath. Boa’s words are still echoing in his ears and he knows that he needs to do something. “Listen, Changmin—”

“No you listen, Yunho,” Changmin says, standing up from the couch. Yunho is distinctly aware of the lack of hyung attached to his name, but doesn’t reply. “You’re being an asshole, and I refuse to let you continue to steamroll me.”

“I—”

“Let me finish.” Yunho is taken aback by the forcefulness in Changmin’s voice, and he closes his mouth. “I get that you’re hurting, but that’s no excuse for you to treat me like garbage.”

“You don’t—”

“I don’t what I don’t understand? You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand what it’s like to be the leader and lose three of your members, and I’ll never understand because I’ll never be a leader. But you know what I do understand? I know what it’s like to lose people who you thought were your brothers and watch your dream get pulled out from under you while everyone blames you. You think I don’t see what people are saying on the internet? You think I don’t hear the things people yell when I go out in public? If you think you’re the only one affected by this then I have news for you: you’re not.”

“You’re right,” Yunho says softly.

That stops Changmin in his tracks. “What?”

“I said you’re right,” Yunho says, his voice growing louder.

Changmin just stands there, blinking like a deer in the headlights as he tries to process what Yunho has just said. Yunho looks at Changmin and inhales a large breath of air before continuing, “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said what I did earlier, about you leaving and you not working hard. I didn’t mean it, and I apologize.”

There’s a long pause, and then Changmin says, “Look.” He takes a deep breath and Yunho can tell he’s trying to keep the tears out of his voice. “Remember all those years ago when you told me that if I was going to give up, I should just quit right then and there?”

Yunho nods. “Like you’d ever let me forget it,” he says with a chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood, but Changmin doesn’t return his smile.

“I didn’t quit then, hyung, and I’m not quitting now. I promised that I was going to stay here and work this out with you, and I’m not one to break my promises.” Changmin’s eyes flash as if daring Yunho to defy him. Yunho says nothing, and Changmin continues, feeling bolder with each breath. “So hyung, if you’re going to give up, then just quit now. And if you’re going to keep going on about being the leader and being responsible for this, then maybe you should just quit.”

He lets that hang in the air and stares at Yunho defiantly, waiting for him to reply. Yunho doesn’t really know what to say, partly because he’s never heard Changmin tell him off before and partly because he realizes he needs to stop being a pathetic whiny mess and get his shit together.  

“You may think that you’re the only one who lost something that day, but I lost something too,” Changmin says, his voice wavering. “I lost the three of them, I lost what has now become my dream, and… and I lost you, hyung.”

And with that, everything last inch of resentment Yunho still harbors dissipates as he looks at the boy standing in front of him, the boy who is trying so desperately to reach out and bridge the invisible gap between them. Yunho realizes that Boa had been right and realizes in that moment that if he loses Changmin, he’ll lose everything that he has left in the world. “Changmin,” he says softly. “Changmin, I’m _so sorry_. For everything.”

Changmin’s eyes fill with tears and his voice is hoarse as he whispers, “Hyung, you keep saying that you’ve lost everything, but you haven’t. You’ve still got me, hyung.” His voice quickens as he continues, as if he’s trying to get everything out before he loses the confidence. “I know that I can’t replace the others and I still struggle with getting the dances right and I’m no use on variety shows but I’ll try harder, hyung, really, I will. I don’t have much to give, but you can have it all.” Tears stream down Changmin’s face. He crosses his arms, but Yunho can still see his shoulders shake.

Yunho steps forward and gently pulls Changmin into his arms. Changmin doesn’t hug him back, but he doesn’t pull away either and Yunho thinks that’s good enough. “You’re not going to lose me, Changdol,” he murmurs softly. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

He feels Changmin uncross his arms and slide around Yunho’s torso. Yunho pulls Changmin closer and Changmin starts to cry, his body shaking with sobs. Yunho holds Changmin in his arms and makes a silent promise to never let Changmin go.

When Changmin’s tears finally subside, he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he nestles his chin against Yunho’s shoulder and whispers, “We’re going to get through this, hyung. Together.”

“Mmhmm,” Yunho murmurs in reply. “Together.”

He feels Changmin’s heart beat against his own chest and for the first time in a long time, he feels a flicker of hope in his own heart.

All of his self doubt and anxiety try to creep back into his mind, but the warmth of Changmin in his arms bolsters his defenses. They’re going to make it, he decides. They have to.

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title comes from the song "Testing the Strong Ones" by Copeland.


End file.
